1.30.10

This is such a big world and sometimes sitting behind my lap top, I feel I am shrinking from it. Today, I had a friend lose a parent, tragically. I played catch up with another “old” friend who decided that my life was pathetic in a tear she shed for my job loss and divorce. “It’s ok”, I say, “really”, but then, maybe it’s good that I allow someone a moment of feeling. My 4 yr old son hits me in the way that children do when they just got to let it out. I am not mad but of course I have to strongly counsel him because we are in front of others who have small children of their own. I wrote in a note the other day that God sends problems my way because he knows I am easily bored. But, I know I am going to be ok. All the time, I just kind of say to God, “you do what you want with me” but let me teach others how to navigate through life. Things good and bad happen to us and the events of today may appear all bad, but not really. I took only the good that could be had from this day in treasuring my son for all that he is, realizing my personal power and resiliency and taking reassurance that God has a plan for all of us. Remember the jingle, "you take the good, you take the bad, and ...there you have the facts of life." Good night!!

Would you rather be a...?

My son and I are reading the Dr. Seuss book, WOULD YOU RATHER BE A BULLFROG? Reading the first pages, I ask him if he would rather be a dog or a cat? "I don't want to be any of those things. I want to be a kid," he says. Love my kid!! Way to go! I had to ask him why? and what's so special about being a kid? "Nothing. I don't know." Long pause. "Because I get to play with my friends." Sarcastically I think, "yeh, and I want to be an adult, given the choice!" There's good in it, though. I get to be mommy to a real super kid and I get to listen to really great music and let it do for me what only an adult can understand. I am sure I could create a big list of positive reasons to choose adulthood. I'm just glad my kid chose to be himself. YAY OWEN!!

control

I'm running around my kitchen and rooms of my house, picking up, cleaning up. Staying busy. I realize I am feeling out of control and feeling sorry for myself. Just like that. One thought leads to another and I become envious of someone I know doing well in her job. I want that, too! Curse word. I am so thankful for what happens next. I stop what I am doing and a voice says, "You do have control. You have control over what's most important." I have control over the sandwich I am making, control over how I care for my son in a conversation, control over how I fold my laundry. I may not have control over who may or may not call me to hire me or who will read this blog but it's ok. When I feel out of control and desperate, now I have one more thing I can do to achieve peace and reclaim some dignity. I don't just talk to myself. I talk to God and plea for help in these moments when the world is too much. I get by because I know (God willing) something good is around the corner.

thoughts on depression

I have been chatting more lately about depression. Some days, I experience fatigue, muscle aches, weepiness, and irritablity. Ally McBeal snaps x10. You will often hear me say, "I am too tired to think." But allowing hopeless thoughts and resigning to doing nothing is not my style. I tell people I "manage" depression and I can teach them how to do it, too. What does that mean? It means I don't behave depressed. I say it is important to learn all you can about mood disorders. Awareness is part of it. When I feel tired and beaten down, I immediately kick into TLC mode. The physical symptoms attack first. It's time to fight. I have a list of things I do but first, I pray. I tune my thinking into prayer and give the depression to God. By the time I am done talking, I know everything is going to be ok. I don't take medication. I choose to experience my symptoms as they come. If I am helping someone, I say to pay attention to your thoughts and beliefs and find what it is that gives you hope and take refuge there.

Life After Divorce

A man in church continues to remind me to have a loving relationship with my ex-husband now and in the future. Since there is no since living in the past, this is the right thing to do. I have felt all the emotions that come with divorce and continue to work through them. Even harder than dealing with anger and resentment is facing personal responsibilty for what happened. It's scary talking to people who are divorcing or past tense..to watch their faces as I open my mouth and admit the truth of my responsibility in the break up. Gotta do it though or else I don't see how I can feel lovely again or allow someone to love me again. It's up to me to do better, to be as honest and truthful as I can in my relationships.